How could I ever forget about the boy I could lay and cry with for an hour at night, and wake up in the morning and laugh at ourselves?

I still don't feel like this is real. This is my home and I'm leaving it.

I don't know how I still have any tears left... I have cried at least twice a day every day for the past few months.

What the hell did we do?

Lindsay: "What's up buttercup?"
Me: "Just packing.. blah.."
(Random jibber jabber about work and finals.)
Lindsay: "Sooooo, the reason I texted you was to make sure you're still on this planet, and if you've really fallen, WOW @ VERIZON'S SERVICE!"

(In response to my myspace and facebook status being that I am falling off the face of the planet.)

I don't want to complain. I do it too much and I think it's all I ever do anymore.

So this is me finding things not to bitch about..

I got a B+ in Psychology, B in math (would be an A, but I skipped SOOOO much class and classwork), and an A in Life Skills. I have Philosophy: Morals & Ethics, and English left to get my grades back for. Not terrible.

I have the majority of everything packed.

I have some money in my savings for once, although it will probably be diminished once I return home almost instantly.

I found the apartment complex I will hopefully be approved at, its amazing and my school even recommended it.

Lindsay invited me rollerskating with her and Kaela (her best friend from New Mexico) on the 3rd. If it's okay with Kaela, I most likely will be joining them.

My parents are helping me move on Sunday, so I will have someone to talk to/drive me home..

I am scheduled for my interview and testing at the Art Institute on this upcoming Tuesday. Also the day I apply at the apartment. Hopefully I will find out about my approval on that day.

My mother is helping me get a laptop battery.

My family is really awesome.

I get to see my Athena, who I haven't seen (but have spoken with on the phone, haha) in two weeks, this Sunday.

I get to read all the cards everyone has been sending.

I found a Batman bellybutton ring the other day at Walmart and bought it for myself even though I have a Hello Kitty one in at the moment.

I really want this. I have a matching keychain. Hot Topic is out of the necklaces. I think I like this one better. Oh gosh, and this! Okay, my god I want like everything that girl is selling..

I am going to start being crafty again. I already have some plans and I'm a little bit excited. I will make my new apartment bedroom AMAZING. And maybe start selling some things I make.


This is it, I'm going to bed. Goodnight all. ♥

Tags: positivity

Take that friends page. I think I am gonna go buy a really nice jacket, brb.

Am I the only one who doesn't like to go home? I mean, I love visiting friends and I miss my family but I absolutely loathe being in Bladen County. When I'm here, even in my mom's house, I start having extreme anxiety and acting pissy towards everyone. I want to be back in my own apartment in Greenville, laying on my bed.

Well anyways, I'm here until Dec. 5th or 6th.

Man I've been busy. I completely forgot about a huge assignment and had to rush to get it done this week. Not cool. Tonight I'm finishing my final project for drawing class and I have to say I like it so far! Still have to ink these bitches up, though.

While drawing I've been listening to the song "Kyle's Mom's a Bitch" from the South Park Movie on a loop. I think it's one of the funniest songs I've ever heard. An entire musical number dedicated solely to how big a bitch one of the character's moms is. Brilliant.

Either tomorrow or Friday I'm going home for Christmas break! I am very eager to bid this semester farewell, as I'm sure you're all aware by this point. I'm going to play video games until I puke up my own brains. I really am. It's going to rock.

So restless and exhausted at the same time.
I tossed and turned last night for 2-3 hours while Josh was snoring contently next to me.
I either love him or hate him.

Lindsay and I are hanging out when I come home.
I can't lie, I'm a little hopeful to repair what we did to our friendship.
If I can forgive exes, I think I can forgive what we both did and put it behind me.
And I mean, she's moving to New Mexico in a few months.
Might as well enjoy it while I can.
I really, really missed her.

I emailed Nikki and my tattoo is a-go when I go home as well.
I just need to find a font and make sure I'll be okay spending that money.

My parents are coming to help move the bed when I leave Sunday.
I want to ride home with one of them so I won't be as heartbroken..
Or maybe I'll just sleep.

I was thinking last night about seeing a doctor/counselor.
I have been sad, feeling low, etc... but I can't explain it.
It's so intense, the feeling of hatred of myself and everything around me sometime.
I have never wanted to not exist... I'm not sure if that will go away on it's own...
or if I need medication.
Either way, it scares me.

In other news, my sister got an amazing boyfriend recently.
She's been single or dating douchebags for SO long.
This makes me so giddy and happy for her!
He may just be the one for her and I couldn't be happier.
She deserves it. She's put up with a lot of shit.

So scattered, so sorry.

Soooo I need a $130 battery for my laptop.
Not going to happen right now. Fuck.

Hopefully when I get home my mom can lend me the money. I feel terrible because she does so much already, but I will definitely pay her back.

I trusted ebay for my AC Adapter, but I think it's a little fishy buying a battery from there..? For $40? And not being able to test it to see if it has full life or won't cause my computer to melt down or whatever. The Apple guy today told me that if I kept using my battery that refuses to charge, my computer could explose. AWESOME.

I keep saying I'm done with Christmas shopping, then I see something else and I'm like, "Well my mom's spent SO much on me so far..."


Yep... I actually got up at 7 today and kept going and didn't get tired. Although I did just take a two hour nap...

I absolutely hate being alone.

Anxiety & depression, please go away.



P.S. Stop driving like douchebags people! AHHHHH! I hate how crazy people go during the holidays.

I haven't been up this late in so long, gosh. Being the master procrastinator that I am, I waited until the day before to start on a fifteen page paper. In an attempt to speed up the paper writing process I tried to gather particularly vague information on an extremely vague topic for my Mesoamerican art history class, "Women in Power". Luckily (and I say this in sarcasm which I state directly because I want to leave no room for anyone to think that I'm happy about this), everything vague fit quickly into it, filling up a whopping five pages. I had to resort to speed reading through several books I checked out to find more detailed information on the subject and well, here I am at four-thirty in the morning with only five more pages down, but surprisingly in a chipper and perky mood. I had to take a break from the paper because I've been going non-stop for seriously twelve hours. I'm writing this entry because I feel that, even if I am resting from the original paper, I should keep writing so that I wont lose my creative juices. I started to become delusional from lack of sleep at one point and while discussing the history of Mayan deities, went off on some tangent about sexual discrimination that didn't really make sense with the rest of the paper at all.

Advice: Listen to one song over and over. Preferably one that is fun and that works well in the background while you work. You wont be distracted by the loudness or thoughts of "I like/don't like this song that just came on!". Also, take tiny, minute-long breaks every so often to surf the web, twitter, pee, whatever ONLY IF you have the will power to make yourself return to your paper and not spend countless hours on the internet. Finally, brace yourself for the fast approaching daylight that, with typical all-nighters, will make you realize how tired you really are and make your brain feel like it's melting inside of your head.

Too much break, back to typing!

Right now, I feel defeated.

I feel alone.

I feel like this is all wrong.

I don't feel like I will be moving out in a week.

I don't remember what its like to sleep alone every single night.

I don't remember what its like to not have someone to come home to.

I don't want to remember.


I'm just scared. The rational part of me knows that I am okay. The rational part of me knows that things will be bad, but get better and continue on upwards. The rational part of me knows I am going to come out of this alive, no matter how much aching I have.

But my heart hurts. Everything hurts. I don't want to do anything. Tomorrow I don't have work or papers or anything to worry about. I'm probably going to sleep most of the day. Then I need to pack all week long and try and mentally prepare myself. It doesn't help that things have been for the most part, pretty good between us. I don't want this to end, I wish all the bad things could go away and we could be perfect... but we can't. We still act like a couple.. :'(

I know that its something I have to and need to do. I know that for once I will be able to completely thrust myself.. into being me and doing things for myself. Maybe if I love my classes and distractions enough I will refrain from stupidly pursuing a relationship until I am completely independent and love myself enough to trust my heart again.

I'm still so scared. I am not looking for the tears, obsession, worry, break downs, anxiety attacks.

I know I am going to make it out of this alive and well..

I just need to grieve.

I know I don't have it as bad as it could be. I am not worse off than other people.

I'm not looking to say how terrible my life or situation is.

I am just simply vomiting up words.

i removed a bunch of people that:
a) were inactive
b) moved to another journal
c) i just never connected with

if you see this and can't see my friend's only entries, please remove me. hopefully, there are no hard feelings.

I started keeping my handwritten journal my madre bought for me. (I finally found a pretty journal with blank pages so I could doodle as well as write.)



( A few more. )

I'm avoiding writing my last two five page papers that are due tomorrow, can you tell? :)

My friends are all neurotic. I’ll watch them interact with each other and wonder why they don’t all separately step outside of their boxes and say “Hey, I never realized how fucking weird you are!” Maybe they’re all in my shoes though. They know each individual friend is bananas and that it’s a joy to just watch them go. Maybe they all think this about me as well. I can’t be much different because we do get along so great together.

This is definitely the case with my good friend who thinks he can identify the exact pair of jeans that someone is wearing, even when he can only see them from waist-up; Or my other friend, who feels that a boastful attitude is a surefire way to get people to like you. And even my boyfriend, who comes up with a new disease that he could possibly have every single day and won’t take a shower in any shower but his own, seriously. But he isn’t even my boyfriend either and if you think about it, our whole relationship is a crazy, neurotic mess.

I know I keep mentioning how all of my friends are and I don’t even take the time to realize that I’m probably just as crazy as any one of them, if not worse.

My printmaking final didn't go as cool as I wanted it to.



It is an awesome image, but I printed them all kinda shitty because I cut too deep at linoleum and didn't hand rub the images (they were out of the ricepaper I use, shoulda just bought the other stuff). Agh, I just hope I get A's in my classes. I like A's. I also got into the Illustration program, so that's cool.

Now to wrap presents and fuck off.

I used to be adorable.

Finished my painting! And by "finished" I mean *air quotes* "finished". I like the colors but I effed up the perspective in the end. Oh well, at least mine is actually impasto unlike EVERYONE ELSES' who apparently just couldn't grasp the concept of thick applications of paint.

I get two and a half hours to sleep, hot damn.

Wooo! My first sculpture of a furry! And he's from an obscure Gamecube game, too! It just doesn't get any cooler than that!

Now I get to go paint something much less fun. =b At least it's the last thing I have to paint this year, though!

After recently being made re-aware of how much high fructose corn syrup is in absolutely everything I've been trying to cut back, which means I've been drinking no soda and man have I felt the effects. When I got home from class today I practically collapsed into bed and fell asleep the instant my head hit the pillow. I've switched over to tea as my primary drink, and it's not a bad substitute, also it calms my nerves a little. Still, soda is great, I just wish they made it with sugar again.

Last day of class went fine; everything's coming together nicely. I'll be quite glad to be done with painting, and even gladder to not have to mess with oil paints anymore. They get all over everything and they're so hard to clean up, I can't even get them off my pallet most of the time, not to mention all the shirts I've lost to paint stains. =b

It's becoming an increasing comfort to me that no matter how little work I seem to get done in my art classes there are always several other people who get even less done. During our preliminary crit in drawing today I was stressing because I didn't get to ink all my pieces in time, but there were literally three people who had NOTHING done, at all, which is a little weird since we've been working on these in class, but I won't judge because I know art school is tough and they might be juggling way more than I am.

Anyway, time to microwave some pizza, organize my files and defragment this bitch.

Illustration portfolio is done. I actually entered that collage that I posted earlier, as well as replacing that one print of the burning barn and the guy with the death like figure with the print of me by the tree, and also knocking out the Madonna print. It looks awesome altogether though. I should have taken a photo of everything all spread out but I got to write an essay in about the next hour. Back to work.

5:30 in the a.m. and I'm drinking coffee instead of sleeping, because I know that trying to sleep at this point will just make me even more tired when I have to drag my disgusting ass in to class in a few hours. BUT the good news is that it's the LAST time I'll have to drag my disgusting ass in to class this year! Not counting exams (one of which, unfortunately, is scheduled at 8 a.m. as well).

Tonight I finished what I wanted to have done with my drawing project with a few hours to spare, so I thought, "What the hell, I'll ink one of these bitches up," but lo and behold my ink is in my toolbox, which I dropped off at the art building about an hour ago so I wouldn't have to carry it later. GENIUS. I am becoming a bit concerned with how I'm going to manage my time this week because I have something going on literally every day. My drawing project is due tomorrow, final crit in painting is on Thursday, and then Friday is my art history final! I think I have time to get everything ready in time while getting a healthy dose of sleep between miracles.

Speaking of sleep, that's what I'm doing after class today, oh man. Also I've resolved to finally organize my computer today, because I really need to. My pictures folder is just a mess and my documents contain conversations from upwards of four years ago with people I don't even remember. The only files I have organized are, oddly enough, my porn archives, which are rather extensive I'll admit. But hey, they're organized. That's something.

While I was working tonight I watched Punk's Not Dead again. I can't believe how much I've learned since the last time I watched it. I remember when I first saw it with Clark about a year ago I barely knew who any of the bands were, and now not only did I know them but I knew their members, their labels, some of their albums (there were VERY few bands featured that I didn't own any of their music) and I even knew about the venues and major scenes. The former owner of CBGB popped up and I knew the name of his freaking cat. I'm happy that there's something I know a lot about besides art for a change.

It still irks me that Screeching Weasel isn't on there, though.